Vast open space, where not even wind can blow across it’s existence. no trace of life, no signs life will soon be there. vacant, desolate. the darkness without the color black, simply blank. the absence of anything and everything, as if anyone who could witness such a feeling or pain, they would never be the same. Forever changed in the most negative influential way.
A lesson can either be learned or lost.
I haven’t cut in God only knows how long, I’ve been doing so great. why the fuck did I randomly become all depressed again. I have no clue what is wrong with me lately, I shouldn’t be cutting like a fucking junkie. I hope this isn’t a relapse.
& i don’t know how to change it.
can someone give me the answer?
it’s not a pain, but a longing. an emptiness, where something once was and no longer is. a heart, perhaps but not exactly. certainly not something tangible, like the air against your face or the smell of fresh cut grass in your nose, it’s a feeling. everytime i see your face, read your name or even hear it, my chest aches. i have no heart, nothing to feel loss, nothing to break into pieces, no trace of a heart at all really. you linger in my thoughts, endlessly. your mere presence does something to my bloodstream, causes my viens to choke and heat up, allows my brain to run franticly in any direction besides the one it should go. my every action does not go without thinking of you. why? i’m not so sure. somethings are said to be meant to be, but perhaps that allows that somethings are never meant to be? of course. if this is not meant to be, then why was it once? to cause such a numbness to love, to feelings at all, is a creul thing. without you, my existence ceases to have reason, or purpose. as though i wonder around the earth aimlessly searching for something so far gone. whether facing you and knowing what has been and what never will be, or never seeing you again - i don’t know. i was so sure i needed you in my life, somehow, i chose to see you, face what has happened, but now i wish i chose differently. i can’t stand your happiness, your ability to move on, you’re all together. i have fallen, i have gone, i have made a mistake.
it’s almost impossible to write happy and positive thoughts, skillfully - when you aren’t happy at all. in fact, you are absolutely miserable and unhappy, then it takes some real effort to come up with something warm and fuzzy. Otherwise, of course you are going write about how you feel, the deep dark ages and such. so don’t say I’m writing sadly and that I should write more cheerful. I’ll write happy when I am happy, until then - depressed it is.
although you would think my schedule is packed beyond belief, and that i have zero time for myself - let alone my friends or anyone else, i honestly do take advantage of the time i can sleep, otherwise i’m always tired. but i can honestly say that their is still so much that i’m missing out on, just watching my neices sleep makes me stay awake, such young, innocent girls. i never wanna blink, i never wanna sleep. i wish i could live every possible moment i can to the maxium, take in the fresh 3am air, just live. sometimes we forget how enitrely blessed we are, or how much we are wasting our time worrying about. we should be loving every moment of our life and if you don’t, you should be fixing that. make it what you want, you deserve it. we all deserve to live out loud and be happy, don’t blink - see everything there is to see, feel all the feelings possible - hate, anger, love, jealousy, disappointment, happiness, pain - it’s all a lesson learned.